By Phil Ervin
If you paddle to the right spot on Agnes Lake in Minnesota’s Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness, you’ll see Native American pictographs believed to have been etched more than 500 years ago.
Here in these lakes straddling the United States-Canada border, there’s no cell phone service. No motorized boats, either. The only way to get around is canoeing and portaging, which means picking up your vessel and carrying it – usually along with a few days’ worth of camping gear, food and supplies – through one of the dirt trails paved by voyageurs who moved fur and goods around the region centuries prior.
Squint hard enough, and you feel like you can see back in time.
Each summer, the Catholic nonprofit ministry Into the Deep invites teens to the Boundary Waters for a retreat. For a few days, they live primitively while diving into themes from the theology of the body. The setting reinforces the beauty of St. John Paul II’s teachings.
There are fewer and fewer places like this that can be considered free of distraction.
Truth is, we’re more distracted than ever. According to Forbes, digital marketing experts surmise we receive between 4,000-10,000 ads each day. You’ve surely heard (assuming you were able to focus long enough) the claim that we have an attention span shorter than that of a goldfish. Eva Krockow, a lecturer at the University of Leicester in the United Kingdom, estimates we make 35,000 decisions every single day.
Added to all this distractedness, we’ve got smartphones making us dumber and artificial intelligence that makes real intelligence look artificial. And that’s just the adults.
It’s no secret our era is increasingly daunting for parents who want to raise whole, happy, healthy children. Indeed, a simplified, wholesome upbringing honors our identity as humans. The theology of the body teaches that we are unique and unrepeatable, which is easy to lose sight of in a world of comparisons and ever-fluid moral compasses. It also notes we’re loved for who we are — not what we can achieve.
So how do we teach our kids to live simply in a world that’s increasingly complex?
Simple living starts with an approach that’s both straightforward and profound. Longing for the past or closing into a cloistered bubble won’t get it done. But a childhood that builds a strong fortress where charity and virtue prevail, from which your entire family can push out into the wider community and spread love, will.
With that as a backdrop, here are – in no particular order – 10 practical ways to make less more as you seek to bring up future saints in your household.
1. Seek, build and nurture community.
Right in the middle of Augusta, Ga., about a 20-minute drive from where the Masters is played, there’s a sizable neighborhood where many of the backyards are shared and residents meet regularly for prayer, Bible study and fellowship. The group has its own school and its own set of covenantal commitments.
This is the Alleluia Community, one of a growing number of intentionally designed Christian neighborhoods that, according to Atlanta Archbishop Gregory Hartmayer, are “a true reflection of the early Church as recorded in the Acts of the Apostles.”
This isn’t a closed-off wannabe Catholic eutopia. The families who live here work in Augusta and attend one of a couple of nearby parishes. Not all of them are even Catholic.
But when they come home, their children are surrounded by those who share their values.
This is the way the American parish model was supposed to work. When European immigrants brought Christianity to this part of the world, they set up churches and built neighborhoods around them.
Unfortunately, that’s a far cry from our transient existence today. And while it might not be practical to found or join a physical community like Alleluia, there are lessons we can take away from this type of living.
In his book “The Benedict Option,” author Rod Dreher uses old-school Benedict monasticism as a potential model for developing environments where children see the same virtues and lessons prioritized among their peers and their parents as they’re exposed to at home. The point isn’t to be sequestered from the big, bad world out there, but rather to be better prepared to interact with it in ways that uphold the true, good and beautiful.
So find a community. Ideally, it’s your parish. Maybe it’s a loosely organized group of Catholic friends. Perhaps it’s a formalized ecclesial movement like Communion and Liberation or the Focolare Movement. Or maybe you’re crazy enough to buy up some land and form your own version of Alleluia Community.
2. Live liturgically.
Looking strictly through a Catholic lens, simplicity starts with the sacraments. This is where God reaches into our world, into time and space through easily recognizable, tangible and supernatural ways to interact with us and communicate grace to our entire embodied person.
So make Sunday Mass as a family a priority. Regular confession too. Even if your kids aren’t old enough, seeing you take part in penance makes an impression.
Dozens of Catholic family-life experts will urge you to have some sort of dedicated prayer space in the home. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it signals the importance of the domestic church to your children every time they pass by or kneel down for family prayer.
On that note, pray as a family – but don’t have unrealistic expectations. There are few things more frustrating than trying to get through an entire rosary with multiple energetic toddlers running around screaming.
God doesn’t need our prayers; we do. And even the simplest of conversations between him and our youngsters is enough for his love to come through.
3. Be open about your children’s mental health.
Not everything about modernity is negative.
One recent sociological development is healthier: more open conversations around children’s mental health. Good thing, too, because depression and anxiety in kids is increasing at an alarming rate. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the number of children aged 6-17 years diagnosed with either anxiety or depression increased from 5.4 percent in 2003 to 8 percent in 2007 and to 8.4 percent in 2011–2012. That number has steadily climbed in the decade since.
If you or your child needs to see a counselor, you’re not failing as a spouse or a parent. There are plenty of great Catholic/Christian psychology experts who can help. Your local diocese should have a list of trustworthy places to start.
4. Commit to a structure.
According to Paul Ruff, director of counseling services at The Saint Paul Seminary in St. Paul, Minn., there actually is a silver bullet for taking care of one’s health.
OK, three silver bullets: diet, sleep and exercise.
This is especially important for children. No doubt you know why their bodies need proper nutrients and the ability to get those wiggles out, but this is easier said than done.
A little planning goes a long way. My saintly wife makes a menu for the week then orders groceries for in-store pick-up based on it. This saves us time, money and a lot of unnecessary added sugars.
Eight to 10 hours of sleep seems to be the going needed rate for young kiddos. Most parents have seen what happens when we compromise on this. Of course the occasional exception is going to arise, but studies show consistent bedtimes and wake-up times can help kids thrive.
It’s also worth pointing out the three-legged stool of eating well, sleeping enough and working out is just as important for Mom and Dad. We can all do a better job of prioritizing this – if not for ourselves then to ensure we have enough energy to keep up with our growing offspring. These fundamentals honor the wisdom of TOB by caring for our embodied selves.
5. (Heavily) moderate technology.
There are days it appears the greatest hope for modern society is that we’ll wake up one day and realize smartphones have followed a similar path to tobacco – many used to partake in excess until we realized how bad it was for our bodies.
A recent study by the National Institutes of Health found the “positive correlation between smartphone addiction and depression is alarming.” Access to degenerative content like pornography is easier than ever. Young women have never had lower self-esteem thanks to the constant barrage of highlight reels of their peers and the rise of “influencer” role models. These images run counter to TOB, with its focus on a healthy integration of body and soul.
So why are we putting this garbage right in our kids’ hands on their 12th birthday (or earlier)?
Kids under 18 don’t need social media accounts. Their daily interactions ought to be with the embodied and imperfect people around them. They can get along fine with a dumb phone that can call, text and take pictures and videos – that’s really all that’s needed till college.
Radical? Probably. But these are extreme times.
It’s not just the Crazy Catholics saying this, by the way. Gen Z in particular has shown a desire for less screen time, hence the recent rise in sales of dumb phones.
If you haven’t, watch the Netflix documentary “The Social Dilemma” and you’ll see former employees at Facebook, Pinterest and Google who don’t allow their kids to access the platforms they helped build. Ever.
It’s a pretty telling policy.
Then there’s screen time in general. There are many ways to approach this. In our home, we keep the TV in the basement, and it’s only used for special occasions like a movie night or sporting event. These happen maybe once every couple of months. Listening to sports on the radio has become a great alternative for my two sons and me.
Video games aren’t necessary either. Try replacing them with board games and books.
However, as children get older, they will spend time online. This is where tracking tools like Covenant Eyes or Norton Family come in handy.
Accountability is key.
6. Take the lead in their education.
As part of Vatican II, the Catholic Church issued a document called “Declaration on Christian Education.” This landmark guidance includes the notion that parents are to be the primary educators of their children.
That means different things for different families. For those forming their children in the faith, it’s getting increasingly harder to find public schools that don’t contradict what’s being taught at home.
So find a school that backs up what you’re saying. Maybe it’s Catholic, maybe not. Maybe it’s homeschooling, but that’s not practical for everybody. And be wary: Not all private institutions are created equal. A public school that’s neutral on important issues might be better than a Catholic school that’s lost its way and is teaching lessons contrary to the faith.
Sports and extracurricular activities can be part of this equation too. These can teach valuable lessons about teamwork and work ethic, but sadly, the culture around them has become too often one of fierce competition and parental ego investment. Extracurriculars through your school or strictly local leagues are preferable to the traveling circus that has become competitive youth sports and dance.
On a simpler educational note: Read! All the time. Read to your kids. Give them their own library card when they’re old enough and let them explore. There remains no substitution for the written word on a physical piece of paper inside a paperback or hardcover. It’s a little TOB delight!
7. Get the heck outside!
No excuses here. Kids need to get out of the house.
If it’s too hot, go to the pool. If it’s too snowy, get some snowshoes or a pair of ice skates. As often as possible, take them to the neighborhood park to blow off steam.
The Good Lord gave us our bodies so they can be active. Your child squirming in church will remind you of this every week.
8. Let them get their hands dirty.
I’ve heard it put this way: Give your kids the ability to explore as much as possible. This often means suffering on the part of the parent, but it’s a cross we have to bear.
Let ’em get muddy. Let ’em make messes without ruining your house – so long as they clean them up. Let brothers wrestle and sisters do each other’s hair.
Giving your child his or her own agency allows for learning about the gift of the body and all it is capable of – a hands-on TOB education. When you let your son help you build that dresser, it might take twice as long, but he’ll learn valuable skills and get the sense of achievement that comes with putting something together. When your daughter assists you in the garden, she’ll learn to appreciate God’s creation while spending valuable time with you – which also makes her feel valued.
9. Be present.
We can all do a better job of practicing mindfulness, a mental state achieved by focusing our awareness on the present moment. Simply being fully present to our spouses and kids can have a more profound impact than anything we say or do.
Your kids can tell when you’re distracted. So put the phone away yourself.
Presence also means being physically, emotionally and spiritually available. There will come a day when your child comes to you with a big issue – a rough relationship, struggles in school, feelings of same-sex attraction. Will they come to you knowing you’ve always been someone they could talk to, no matter what?
10. Take vacations.
It doesn’t have to be the Boundary Waters. But getting away as a family provides irreplaceable time to bond, experience God’s creation and make lasting memories together.
Some scientists have even found vacations make kids happier and smarter.
The gift of the body is often experienced in new ways on vacation – a hike in the mountains, a ride on a rollercoaster. Togetherness in a separate physical place also allows parent and child to express their love for each other via the language of the body – an arm around your son as you sit around the campfire, holding your daughter’s hand at the beach as the waves lap around her feet.
Ultimately, simplicity is simple. Cut out the noise and replace it with presence – yours and that of the Almighty.
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– From the Summer 2023 issue of Embodied. Get more content like this delivered weekly when you subscribe to Embodied Digital.