During my childhood, my three sisters and I were allowed one extra-curricular activity each. Not one per season. Not one sport and one other. One. We were small farmers and my parents knew their limits.
My husband, meanwhile, was one of six kids, and they did ev.er.y.thing. But you see, they lived in a tiny town – just four blocks from their parish school and two from the junior high. They could bike themselves to their own activities.
Now that I’m a mother of four myself, negotiating these vastly different takes on life is quite a trick. Especially as they get older — our oldest just went off to college, and our youngest entered middle school — my kids are getting very familiar with the phrase, “You cannot do everything!”
The spiritual tie-in
Like every matter in life, the question of busy-ness does not stand apart from the spiritual. If each of us is a child of God, made uniquely and unrepeatably in God’s image, surely that means we must guard their childhood, give them space to be unencumbered and without care. To be children, in other words! Not mini-adults, building resumes and managing a complex schedule. They need unstructured time. Time to be bored, so as to nurture their creativity.
On the other hand, each of us is unique and unrepeatable, endowed with gifts given by God to be used in service of the Kingdom – which can’t be done if the gifts are never developed. And in fact, we might never know what those gifts are in the first place unless kids try different activities.
How do we square this circle?
It’s tempting to try to reduce this discernment to a binary — an either/or. But it’s not that simple.
And then there was Covid
Three years ago, Covid imposed a forced removal of all activities—boom. Just like that. In my household it was disorienting. Frightening, even. We find purpose in our endeavors.
And yet… and yet! Family dinners on the deck stretched an hour. I had time for big, involved, fancy cooking. And family movie nights! How else can a space-and-superhero-obsessed family keep up with the behemoth that is the Star Wars and Marvel streaming franchises?
Again and again during that time, friends said to me: “I feel so much more rested now that all the activities are canceled. When this is all over, I’m not sure I want to go back to the rat race.”
Of course, we all did go back to the rat race. I was prepared for a return to the Before. I was not prepared for what I actually got. I hadn’t realized in February of 2020 that my youngest was just tipping his first toe into the waters of extra-curriculars. When the world reopened, we genuinely did have more to do than we’d had before it shut down. It felt like trying to catch an avalanche.
I spent a lot of time in those first few months gritting my teeth and reminding myself, “Busy-ness is a privilege.”
So how much is too much? When does the rich childhood become the overscheduled childhood?
No easy answers
I’m sorry to disappoint: I don’t have a pat answer.
But in some ways, I think that is the wisdom. I don’t think there is a pat answer to this conundrum, any more than there is a “right” sized family. Some parents are better equipped to handle a large family than others. It depends on the children themselves, too — children with high needs can change that calculation. The discernment is different for every family because every family is — again — unique and unrepeatably made in God’s image.
The question of busy-ness is the same. Some kids thrive with more activity; others need more introvert time. Parents’ stamina is also a factor. We’re built for richness of life, and activities give us that. But when they become a drain, it’s time to recognize that and honor the voice of God within.
We need rest; we need activity. We have to hold these truths in tension. It is good and holy to embrace the opportunities that enrich life. It is also good and holy — and, dare I say, necessary — to hold space for stillness and prayer. We can handle more when we pray more.
You’re never going to know for sure if you have that balance right. Balance, by definition, is a matter of constant shifting to accommodate changing forces.
The reality is that if you have a big family, you’re going to be busy. A wise friend of mine, who has raised and recently launched four boys, is fond of reminding me: “You’re in the thick of it now. This is the season of life you’re in.”
Perhaps those words can become a daily reminder to you, as they have to me.
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Discussion Questions
1. Reflect on your own childhood, specifically times that were full of activity as well as times that may have been more open to rest.
2. Reflect on your current state of life (whether you are single, married, a parent, or beyond the child-raising years). What is God calling you to in this particular season of life? Do you have time and/or talents that you can tithe back to God and/or serve others outside of your home? Is your home filled with a large number of demands on your time that are nonetheless fruitful? What would this season look like if you could step back and only fill it with activities that nourish?
See the full Fall 2023 Discussion Guide for Leader Guidance (if using in small groups) and Recommended Reading on this topic.